Here's a guide to some of the lingo you'll find in real estate ads, and the explanations of what they really mean. Not included are superlative words so common in this field: words like “Super”, “Wonderful”, “Great”, and my favorite, “Unbelievable”. Usually, these ads are truly unbelievable.
Accessible: don't be fooled by this word. What it really means is that if it is accessible, it's darned difficult to do so. An “accessible attic” means you need a ladder and a prayer.
Adorable: This means it's cute like your grandmother's house was....nice place to visit and get some free cookies, but do you wanna actually live here? Shit no!
Alley access: the only access to the house is via the alley, or it means there is a metalworking shop right behind your house.
Antique: old, needs to be replaced. Almost anything described as antique on a real estate ad has no purpose in your next home other than to be removed and updated.
Appliance that stays: this appliance was so useless to the owners that they won't bother taking it, and it can't be sold, or is 30 years old and heavier than a truck. I once got a 1930s refrigerator made by International Harvester in this way.
As is: rent a bulldozer and start over.
Bohemian: this is a dodgy way of saying “weird”. The walls are probably painted teal and fuschia, and the tile-work in the bathroom was designed to express Bob Marley's countenance.
Charming: can either mean that you should surgically remove your elbows before attempting navigation through this hovel, or it has been “decorated” by an old woman for fifty years.
Clean: I should hope so. When this is one of the featured comments in a real estate ad, then be prepared for disappointment. This is like describing a blind date as “nice”.
Close to: next to. A house "close to" the grocery store is adjacent to the store's back lot where you can watch the employees load the dumpster with cardboard boxes full of rotten vegetables.
Compact: useable only by humans back when they were four feet tall.
Convenient: it's in the way.
Cottage: cramped house, not for the claustrophobic or people who can't fly in the economy seating.
Could be easily: it isn't easy or it would already have been done.
Could be rented: you don't want to live here, nor does anybody else unless it's free.
Could be used as: this is a worthless space suitable only for storage space.
Country living: nobody uses this to describe a house out in the country. It's likely next to a landfill, a penitentiary, down in a flood zone, or some other piece of land in the city that should not be used by humans. The gravel road is not quaint; it's full of pot-holes and will paint any vehicle a drab gray most of the time.
Cozy: this word is supposed to mean “comfortable”, but in real estate lingo, it means the opposite—cramped. Doll furniture will fit in this house.
Cul-de-sac: this means you will have a yard shaped like a slice of pizza or a wedge of pineapple. Mowing will be a delight!
Custom: the owners tried their hand at something new. It is new, and it's awful.
Cute: See “Cozy”. A woman or homosexual man wrote this advert.
Darling: this ad was written by an emotionally clingy person who has no business selling houses to anybody but vulnerable old women.
DIY: it means “good luck”.
Dream home: I hate it when other people think they know my dreams. Most “dream homes” I've seen were more in the lines of Nightmare on Elm Street. Don't let people tell you what should be in your dreams. This also can mean you'll need to do a lot of dreaming to figure out how to make this home liveable.
Easy access: see “accessible”. This also can mean that you will need to deadbolt the backdoor which opens to an alley where drug dealers and prostitutes sell their wares.
Eclectic: Willy Wonka lived here.
Edge of town: the edge of town is where the landfill and other noxious facilities are located.
Efficient: a very clever way to describe a tiny, uncomfortable house. Because the house is better suited for Barbie, it will only cost you a few dollars to heat and cool it.
Faux: beware of French words always. Americans have been trained to accept the French language as classy. There is a reason why the writer of this ad didn't say FAKE.
First thing mentioned: notice the first word, and the first sentence of the ad. This is the best thing about the house. “Nice big yard”...okay, so it's time to rent the bulldozer.
Fixer-upper: this also requires the bulldozer.
Former splendor: the idea is that if you sink a lot of money into this property, you can make it as beautiful as it was during the Lincoln administration. Save your money and visit a museum instead.
Freeway: any mention of the freeway or highway means it's right there in your back yard. This is not an asset unless you're deaf and can't stand driving on side roads.
Fresh paint: it needed paint badly, and quickly. The owners paid the least amount of money to hide the ugly truth.
Fruit trees: these are likely old mulberry trees that grew up in the fence row.
Garden: if this is a vegetable garden, and you like that sort of thing, great; however, if it's a flower garden, this is like underwear. No matter how pretty it was for the previous owner, you will never like their choices, styles or color.
Great neighborhood: one person's dream is another person's nightmare. Some people enjoy snoopy, pretentious neighbors who judge you by how often your grass is mowed; others think it's “charming” to live next to Bohemian pot-smoking artists in dreadlocks.
Greenery: weeds, plants you don't want.
Handyman Special: probably a brand of bulldozer.
Hilltop: they never mention the wind.
Historic: unless it's on the Historic Landmarks Registry, this house is just old.
Hobby room: unfinished room probably best used for storage.
Huge backyard: more likely a geometric nightmare on a goofy shaped lot.
Indian artifacts: I've seen properties touting the supposed existence of Native Americans. Aren't most haunted houses built on Indian burial grounds? No thanks...get ouuuuuuut!!!!
Interesting: this means “goofy”. “Interesting” architecture means it was designed by Willy Wonka.
Intimate: yes, small and intimate like a sleeping bag in a pup tent.
Investment: another bulldozer moment.
Inviting: I kept seeing properties described as “inviting” and I imagine Count Dracula or Casper the Ghost “Velcome...do please come in.”
Just minutes from: four hours is 240 minutes, yes.
Landscaped: some people think this means “Has Garden Gnomes”.
List goes on and on: this means “I have nothing else to add.”
Lively neighborhood: drive-by shootings have been known to happen here.
Lots of extras: all the stuff you will need to replace, of course.
Maintenance free: yes, and the Titanic was “unsinkable”.
Manageable: I have no idea what this means. It's used often, and just takes up space.
Mayberry home: I saw a couple of homes described this way. So you want Barney to come visiting? Honestly, weren't all those characters safer within the confines of your television?
Modest: this is used to describe a shack. Think Beverly Hillbillies, pre-oil discovery.
Move in ready: it's never a good sign when they have to comfort you that you can move into your new house. It's like a waiter saying “and this food is edible.”
Must be seen: the ad writer had nothing interesting to say, and could get no good photos.
Nature: the raccoons from the landfill have come for a visit.
Needs love: needs bulldozer.
Neutral colors: the small space for the advertisement was partially used to tell you that the walls are painted in neutral colors. This is not a good endorsement for the rest of the property.
Nice: a space filler which means nothing. The ad writer was very bored by this home.
No exterior photos: because the interior will soon become a part of the exterior.
No interior photos: a man with 37 cats and no litter boxes lived here.
Nostalgic: old, like its previous owner. The walls are trimmed with pictures of roses, and the place smells like the person who lived here for five decades.
Old fashioned: you will need to replace almost everything.
Old world style: it's supposed to look European, but they likely failed. Gaudy. I've been to the old world, and trust me...stick with New, mmmmkay?
One of a kind: was modified by Willy Wonka or the UnaBomber.
One owner: hasn't been updated since the owner last had any energy, before installing the Stair Master. Time machine.
Opportunity: the bulldozer has just arrived.
Original: a more time consuming way to say “old”.
Oversized garage: this means you can fit some shovels and rakes next to the car. If it's a one-car garage, then it's a one-car-plus-mower garage.
Owner is installing: and doing a fast and sloppy job just to get it done.
Owners are moving: my jaw dropped when I saw this in an ad. I certainly HOPE the owners are moving!!!
Pantry: any time the writer felt it necessary to mention this small space, the rest of the news is not good.
Partially fenced: one of your neighbors has a fence; you don't.
Partially finished: the owner got a For Dummies book and couldn't master the instructions.
Potential: this could potentially be bulldozed to make room for a real house.
Private: finally a house that's private. I am getting sick of all these properties with installed webcams for public worldwide viewing, really.
Private hot tub under the stars: somebody built this out away from the house where you will never use it except to store some yard tools. I don't know why the need for letting me know that my new hot tub will be private, unless maybe it's common for some homeowners to post signs in their yard: PUBLIC HOT TUB OUT BACK!!!
Project: this will be the rest of your life.
Quaint: imagine Alice in Wonderland, when she says “Curiouser and curiouser”. You'll be curious about the character of the builder or owner, for sure.
Quiet: there is no noise here for a reason: nobody wants to live here.
Right off the highway: if you're a lucky, there's a wall between you and the semis roaring past your new dream home. Invest in earplugs.
Rolling lot: plenty of exercise opportunities as you push your mower up a 45% angle. The word “rolling” is supposed to make us think of some idyllic country living, but here it is a verb, referring to how the mower keeps slipping from your grasp, rolling down, down...down...boom.
Root cellar: this is where they kept Timmy.
Rural: unless this property is indeed out of town (and wouldn't we already know this by looking at the map?), this word rhymes with “landfill”.
Rustic: the UnaBomber lived here.
Scenic: my idea of “scenic” is different from yours. I imagine a strip-joint across the street.
School: if we have kids, we like that the school is close enough that they can get there somehow, before the bell rings. We don't need it next door, thank you very much.
Secluded: Keep an eye out for those federal government warning signs. Something is very wrong with this place.
Spacious: poorly designed home. The living room is better suited for raquetball.
Starter home: Frodo Baggins or Oompa-Loompas can live here, not you.
Storage: home was so poorly designed that there's a lot of space useable only for storage.
Sunlit: the room is facing the south and it has windows. Big deal, big AC bill.
TLC: they mean “tender loving care” but it really means “this looks collapsed”.
Trees: this can be a good thing or a bad thing. An old fence row full of messy silver maples or mulberries is an “investment opportunity”.
Unique: again, Willy Wonka comes to mind.
Vacant lots: this often means that bulldozers have been active in this neighborhood, and the lots are places for neighbors to dump garbage.
Victorian: it seems common in the Midwest to label any house with some frilly woodwork as Victorian.
Vintage: this word is now being used to describe hand-me-down clothing stores. I don't want vintage underwear and I don't want a vintage home.
Walking distance of: this really should be a commercial zone, not residential.
Walking trails: at the end of the trail is where the owner of this rural property dumped stuff.
Woods: on the other side of the woods is the landfill.
Workshop: an unfinished room, most likely used for storage.
Wow!!! the facts were not good enough, so writer had no other way to get your attention.
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